Hope Tea

Hope. There are so many thoughts that come to mind when I hear or see the word hope. We all hope for a long healthy life, to be financially stable, to have love, etc. What does it really mean to have hope? How does one keep hope alive? What does it feel like to be hopeless?

I just recently realized that I have lost my hope for my marriage and what I thought my future would look like. Why you ask? For a year and a half, I prayed, read my bible, went to church (albeit virtually), tithed, journaled, went to therapy, and even shared my story with total strangers. My hope was so strong, you couldn’t tell me that my miracle wasn’t going to happen.

The moment it became clear that divorce was more than likely going to happen, I stopped everything I was doing; I became angry with God. Yes, I said it! I was angry. I stopped journaling, blogging, reading my bible, and tithing. I maintained going to church and therapy for my sanity, but I was still angry. Why would God take me through all of what I’ve been through in the last year and a half for our marriage to still fail? Why didn’t I just leave? Why was I stupid enough to think that it could ever work? All of these thoughts constantly ran through my mind.

It’s not like it all stopped at once, it was a gradual process. One day I realized that all that I was working toward and hoping for had been erased. It wasn’t until a few days ago that I was told that I’ve lost my hope. I had so many ideas and dreams of how my husband and I would grow closer together through this entire ordeal and how we could become this blended family defying all the odds. While our relationship has grown so much stronger and we’re both more open and understanding of what lead to our misdeeds in our marriage, we’ve realized that we aren’t able to give one another what we need to make our marriage work right now.

So now what? What do I do with the time I spent praying, journaling, blogging? I had a goal, I had a reason, I had a specific outcome that I was looking for, that I was certain was going to happen because in my eyes I was doing everything right for my prayers to be answered. We’ll, I’ve decided to keep going! I’ve started reading my bible, tithing, journaling, and sharing my thoughts with you guys. Everything in life isn’t going to go the way that I plan it, no matter how much I prepare for it. I can’t stop the very things that help bring me to a place of peace and better relationship and understanding of God. Maybe this is why God gave me the courage I had to stand and fight for my marriage for as long as I have, so I could grow and forge a real relationship with Him. If my husband walked out and left me, or if I had thrown in the towel I wouldn’t be nearly as close to the Lord as I am now. My relationship/friendship with my husband wouldn’t be as strong as it is today. While we have so much more healing and strengthening to do, we have come a long way and we are much better people for it.

I’m going to put my hope, my faith, my trust in God. I know that He has a plan for my life and my future. Who better to put my hope in than the Creator Himself? Don’t give up hope! Don’t let uncertainty or the unknown stop you from moving in the direction that is God’s will for your life. Letting go and allowing Him to do what He does will render a much better outcome than you could ever do on your own! I’m not quite there yet myself, but I’m getting working on it!