Tough Tea

Hey guys! I guess it’s officially the holiday season, so Happy Holidays to you all! I pray all has been well. Things have been kind of rough for me these last few days. I’m trying to do better with being positive, but I’ve also gotta be real. I’m going into the 3rd holiday season where my family looks different. My children don’t have me and their dad together as a unit. Now I know y’all are saying “Sis, it’s been 2 years, get over it already!” Trust me I’m right there with you in part of my mind, but my heart and the rest of my mind haven’t gotten the memo.

For whatever reason this Thanksgiving has been particularly hard. My heart ached for what used to be on a level it hasn’t in a long while. I never experienced the holiday blues or depression before and I’m a little apprehensive to call it either of those things. But my inability to control my emotions the last few days has been extremely worrisome. I’m in constant tears over my whole situation like it just happened. Some of my in-laws are in town and to not be a part of the family gatherings like I normally would be hurts like hell. And to make it worse, I totally “spazed” out on my ex-husband (still hate saying that) and he did nothing to deserve it in that moment, so let’s add total embarrassment to the list of emotions.

I know I’m the reason why I’m still in this space. I know that allowing myself to live in the past is hurting my movement toward the future that God has for me. So, to anyone struggling with living in the past, allowing pain and hurt to still dictate your emotions, give yourself grace. Allow yourself to move through each phase of grief. Allow yourself to feel every emotion that comes out; kick, scream, cry, wail even; but don’t stay there. You have people that are counting on you to make it through. People are watching you. People need to hear your story of victory! Our 12-year-old daughter and 7-year-old son are watching me. I must be strong for them! I'm leaning into my journaling, my prayer time and Bible reading, and getting out of the house as a way to help me get through my current state of mind. Find what works for you to help get through rough patches of emotional and mental distress.

I am so far from where I used to be. Right now, I just feel like I’m struggling to get to my place of total healing, peace, and total forgiveness of what I’ve done and what was done to me, but I know it’s coming. I know I’m on the brink of and extraordinary blessing because the level of mental, emotional, and spiritual attack that I’m experiencing is trying to take me out, but THE DEVIL IS A LIAR! He will not have one piece of me or my family! I will see victory! I will have total peace and healing! I will get to the other side of this with a testimony that will help so many people. I know that this pain is a necessary part of my story.

Please be kind to others, you never know what pain people are hiding behind their smiles. Thank you for allowing me the space to be totally transparent and vulnerable. Feel free to share your story or what you've done to make it through a tough emotional time.

I pray that each of you have a great holiday season!